you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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