Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
