I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
