My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
