no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
