This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize