I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
