Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
