Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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