ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
