I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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