what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
