my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
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