are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
