if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
