when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
