Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
