I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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