Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
