I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
