Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
