are you still at the devil's house?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
