??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
