it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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