how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
