nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
