There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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