I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
