yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
