you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Farmville is her only friend.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
