i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
