i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
