Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
