If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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