The maid of honor just puked.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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