Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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