the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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