I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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