I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
