There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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