HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
