I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
