I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize