the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
