WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Pappa wants mamma naked
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
