mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
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