The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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