Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
