dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
