There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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