Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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