i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
