The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
