The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
