I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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