Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
