Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
