I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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