yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
