you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
