She announced her abortion via fbk
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
