i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
