shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
