the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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