Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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