I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize