i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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