I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
