i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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